The Psychology of Why People Can Fall Out

This post is about psychological causes that can cause people to fall out, including friendships and relationships.

Why Friendships & Relationships End?

Friendships and relationships rarely end due to a single event; more often, they erode from accumulated psychological patterns and unmet needs. Research in relationship psychology, including work by John Gottman and attachment theorists, highlights recurring factors that predict breakups or divorce with high accuracy.

Here are some psychological reasons why people can fall out.

Arrogance & Close-Mindedness

It’s very common for people to think that they are right, and that their way of living is the best way. Therefore, it seems natural for that person to try and change others. This in part results from a mind that is no longer learning. They already think that they have the answers. This pressure to try and change others can cause fiction over time. It becomes a battle of egos.

Projection

As Carl Jung once said, “perception is projection.” We project parts of ourselves onto others. Projection is the most problematic when people don’t understand just how different people’s personalities and motivations can be. So, we are not seeing the other person for who they really are, but rather, projecting ourselves onto them. Assumptions are being made because of their gaps in knowledge. Those gaps have to be filled, and usually they are filled by a person projecting what they know outwardly. This also leads to misinterpretations.

Cognitive biases (Black & White Thinking)

Certain cognitive biases can cause issues with people. Some people very much see things in a black and white binary sense. While others can operate and thrive in the grey area. These people like to keep their options open and don’t like being forced into an absolute view. There are many other cognitive biases that contribute to this.

Different Priorities

Differing Priorities, Values, or Life Goals As people grow, mismatches in core values (e.g., kids vs. no kids, career ambitions, finances) become deal-breakers. Studies show early incompatibilities often predict later divorce.

These differing priorities can result due to different genetic personality traits, personal experience, and culture.

Not Learning From Mistakes

One reason why this happens is because mistakes are not even admitted. If it’s not even acknowledged as a mistake, a lesson will never be learned, because, in their mind, there is no lesson to learn. This can be caused by a defence mechanism such as denial. This is a defence that protects the ego. People will even deny evidence to protect their ego. Some people will even deny their denial. That’s how irrational things can get.

Resentment & Contempt

Resentment and contempt can often develop and grow due to constant criticism. Resentment is most often unspoken hurt plus a belief that the other person doesn’t care enough to change their behaviour, and then watching that pattern continue over time.

Expansion into Groups

What applies to the individual can also be true when it comes to groups or tribes of people. However, the consequences of group fall-outs are often much worse. Even resulting in wars.