Why does someone develop a defensive personality?
What is psychological defensiveness, and why do some people develop a defensive personality? Including ideas on how to overcome it.
What is defensiveness?
Defensiveness is an ego defence. When someone feels their competence, worth, or identity is under attack (even subtly), defensiveness kicks in to shield their self-image. This is rooted in a basic human need for respect and validation.
Types of Defensiveness?
Difficulty trusting
Defensiveness and difficulty trusting are usually two sides of the same coin. The more armoured someone is, the harder it is for them to believe that another person can be safe, reliable, and accepting, even when evidence is right in front of them.
Reject before being rejected
Preemptive rejection (rejecting someone before they can reject you) is a very common and well-recognized defense mechanism.
Taking things personally
Taking things personally is one of the hallmark signs of defensiveness. The more defended someone is, the smaller the trigger needed to feel attacked, and the more they interpret the world as “about me and my worth.”
Chronic defensiveness usually develops as a protection against early experiences of criticism, betrayal, abandonment, or humiliation. The unconscious equation becomes:
Vulnerability – Pain – Therefore, stay defended.
What causes it?
Experience & trauma
It can develop when someone has a history of being criticized, rejected, or suffering from verbal abuse.
Threat to autonomy
When someone feels controlled, judged, or cornered, defensiveness preserves their sense of freedom. This ties to reactance theory: “You can’t tell me what to do!
Personality factors
Personality traits like narcissism or high neuroticism amplify defensive reactions. High neuroticism suggests a high reactive amygdala, which is considered the emotion centre of the brain.
Insecurity or Low Self-Confidence
Those unsure of their value may overcompensate by rejecting feedback outright. Defensiveness becomes a reflex to avoid confronting insecurities.
Low self-confidence can come from a low extroversion and high neuroticism combination.
Why It Feels Automatic
The brain’s amygdala can trigger a fight-or-flight response before the rational prefrontal cortex processes the situation. This is why defensiveness often feels instinctive, not calculated.
Dealing with and reducing the defensiveness
Self-Awareness & Objectification
Being aware and conscious of the issue and recognizing the pattern. This self-awareness allows a person to better control a defensive attitude when it arises. When you understand it and objectify it, you have more power to control it.
When you can see your defensiveness, you can relive past experiences when you became defensive. Then, you can run the simulation in your mind, and react differently to the experience. This is practise that just requires a little time to think.
Therapy
Most people find that therapy, especially approaches like CBT, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or schema therapy, dramatically speeds up the process by healing the deeper self-worth wounds that fuel defensiveness.
